personal sensory processing stuff

(you’re welcome to look, reblog, whatever, it’s just long)

my visual processing is weird

like on one hand when i picture abstract stuff it’s usually kinda vision-y and it’s from a point of view like a camera that can move relative to what im picturing and very 3d in a very vision-y way

but on the other hand i sometimes realize that oh i havent been using my vision at all for this latest thing i did i was picturing it in my normal way but i actually wasnt using my eyes
like rummaging in my bag or finding something in the dark

and like it feels absolutely the same? im being aware of space and picturing things’ locations relative to one another. i can actually get distracted so i Don’t Realize im not using my eyes until later. colors dont matter, shapes are abstract. its just objects/symbols and their locations in space relative to one another, and that’s kinda how my brain works with everything. math, time, you name it

i guess it’s a synesthesia thing? far as i understand, synesthesia is about blending senses together in a weird hodgepodge and thats exactly what happens when i dont notice if im using sight or touch to create a mental map of something, and also when im mathing visually

i tend to say my primary perception is not vision, but it often feels wrong when all my abstract thinking seems to be tied with vision, and when im reading im picturing things too

except its not vision, not exactly… its this weird half-symbolic Awareness Of Space. when im imagining characters of a book im reading i dont give them specific faces unless i focus on that

actually prosopagnosia is a separate thing that ties into all that huh. i just dont parse faces the way im probably supposed to. i dont give fictional characters in my head faces because thats not how i recognize irl people either

still, my imagination runs on this half-visual perception that i have heard described as digital? its not a precise word but its the best i have. abstract concepts, existing spatially. scales, coordinates, overlapping sets. when i add large numbers i imagine them overlapping like half-transparent photoshop layers – that’s how i keep the entirety of them in my operational memory at the same time

it makes my artistic abilities weird, too. all the advice on how to learn how to art that i’ve ever heard was focused on visual perception. look and memorize. but i cant do that it doesnt work like that for me. the way ive been able to learn how to anatomy was with abstract shapes and then curves of surface over them. ive started being able to process lighting after reading a book and doing exercises on programming physics of lighting. i couldnt wrap my head around it while looking at stuff but give me an abstract explanation and oh – there it is, all clear. movement is easy, anatomy is understandable, but looking at someone and grasping proportions of their face and simplifying them for a drawing? how does that work?

i say my main channel of perception is touch bc i do notice when im touched while i can easily space out and not hear or see anything at all no matter what happens. if you want to guaranteed get my attention you have to touch me. that always works (might earn you a smack if you dont do it the right way – lightly, on the shoulder)

my relationship with vision is just weird


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